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Boundaries, Integrity and Dealing with “Toxic People”

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The Mindset Makeover 2.0: #RadicalResponsibility course is open this week only, and I wanted to share a sample email from the 6-week course.

The education is delivered via daily emails for 42 days in a row, and the repletion and assignments takes about 10 minutes a day to complete. The goal being that at the end of the course, you feel clear, motivated, and in your power to create the life, relationships and outcomes you want for yourself. Out with the victim mentality (blaming/complaining about others AND yourself) and finally getting over your BS to uncover the path to get what you actually want in life and in your relationships.

This course is the next level version of the original 10-Week Mindset Makeover and is definitely deeper and likely to push your buttons more. I don’t really hold back in terms of challenging your limiting beliefs and pushing you out of your mental comfort zone, so just a word of warning! The curriculum is chock full of stories, insights and all my best practices and tools for developing a bulletproof mindset to create your ideal life in every moment. Strap in ’cause it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Anyway, below is a sample email from the course. This is email #19 from the 3rd module in the course, out of 42 total emails, so smack dab in the middle. But I think you will “get it” without any more context.

The entire course is about 50k words, and I actually give you the entire “ebook” at the end of the course, but the way the emails are parceled out makes it more easily digestible and implementable.

You can enroll in the full course RIGHT HERE. It closes Thursday July 13, 2017 at midnight.

Enjoy!

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[MM2] Toxic People: Part 2 (three steps to establishing boundaries)

Today I want to talk about how to teach people how to treat you. You have heard me say this before, and it never lets me down: If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like, it’s your fault (or your responsibility). On some level, you have set the relationship up with specific boundaries that allow for a certain type of behavior to exist.

So if you think about it in terms of #RadicalResonsibility, it’s our responsibility to not only set up relationships in a way that we want, but recognize when things are not the way we want them, and take action to change that.

This process—surprise, surprise—does not start with the other person. The answer is not to sit around complaining about them and hoping that eventually they will come to their senses and change.

Waiting on others to change so that you can be free and happy is a terrible strategy.

Instead, you adjust how you come to the table.

The first step is establishing boundaries. This requires 3 things:

  1. Honesty
  2. Conviction
  3. Consistency

Look at your situation with someone objectively. How have you allowed for negative energy or drama or them taking liberties to grow? It’s not their fault, they were just acting in accordance with what you were allowing.

The key for knowing the answer to this is: Where have you been out of your integrity with the person?

Where have you said yes when you wanted to say no? Where have you done things you didn’t want to do? Where have you lied or omitted things in order to skip the crucial conversations? What have you let slide to “keep the peace?”

These are all versions of being out of your integrity in the relationship, and they have consequences, to the point that you wake up a year later or 20 years later with a relationship you can’t endure. This is the 1) above – Honesty.

Conviction is next. What I mean by that is that you might be feeling your way through this new way of doing things, but as you are doing that, you have to come with the confidence. You have to—in a sense—fake it till you make it. Even if you are scared on the inside, you have to harness enough self-trust to confidently state your boundaries. This will take enduring some initial discomfort.

An example.

You have a friend for whom you always bend over backwards. You feel bad for them, or feel like they need you, so you are sure to drop everything when they reach out. You do many things out of guilt and obligation and you don’t ever tell them no. You have established this pattern out of fear of disappointing them or them feeling hurt by you. And as we have seen, you too, are getting something out of the relationship: you get to be needed and relied upon. Which feels good and feeds your sense of self-worth: “I am the dependable one. I am the one who will always be there for people, they know they can count on me.”

Great, except that now you hate that dynamic because you feel like you can’t ever say no, and you have things you want to do for yourself, but you are so exhausted running around for everyone else, that you never have the time or energy for yourself.

Ready for some tough love? You created this scenario. And saying “I couldn’t say no!” is a huge copout. It’s an excuse to justify your fear of change. You *can* can no, but what you really mean is, “saying no would be super hard and I don’t know if I can handle what might happen if I do.

Normal. But if you don’t like it, it is your responsibility to change it. Yes, even when it is really, really reeeaaaaaallllly hard. Your situations are your responsibility. Your resentment is your responsibility. Your choices are your responsibility. Your reactions are your responsibility. Your relationships are your responsibility.

The solution is not to complain that you are always putting yourself out for others. The solution is to stop doing it.

Implement some boundaries so that you can actively SELECT when you show up for people, and they can know that when you do, you are there of your own choice, fully present and willing, not obligated and resentful.

How amazing would that be? To be able to be fully emotional available to someone because you are emotionally gassed up as a result of your boundaries that recharge you.

So what do you do?

You jump right in and say no. Once. And then you watch and endure the fallout.

You switch up the game. You don’t do this out of spite or as a “fuck you” but out of a conscious AND KIND decision for ALL involved to begin establishing boundaries. Remember, people can’t read your mind! They will ONLY know where your line in the sand is … if you TELL THEM. And that’s your responsibility. Getting angry with someone else for “bugging you” when you’ve established that dynamic is lazy. It’s VC.

So you put yourself on the chopping block, show up with your lines in the sand and cards on the table and endure the emotional consequences. You can do this because you trust yourself enough to give up the control! Right? ;)

Lastly, you have to be consistent.

If you say, this is the way I want things, then you have to actively show up that way, day after day, year after year. This, again, take confidence and self-trust, because your old ways are ingrained. But I think you’ll find the more you practice honesty and conviction, the easier it all becomes. In fact, not only does it become effortless, but it’s the easiest thing in the world.

The fallout? That could range from people switching how they interact with you to one that you enjoy, all the way to people leaving your life. The latter is fine because remember, it’s not about you being better, and them not. It’s about lining up with the perfect people, effortlessly and as a result of each person’s natural way of showing up in the world.

Every person deserves to be loved and appreciated for EXACTLY who they are, without considerations. But in order for that to be a possibility, you have to harness enough courage to actually SHOW people who you are.

Tomorrow we will talk about how to remove yourself from a relationship, if that’s the only option, and understanding your intentions behind it.

Xo,
Jill

Remember to join the hundreds of other women who are already off and running in the course, right here, before it closes for 2017! Enrollment ends Thursday July 13, 2017 at midnight.

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