“Excuses are our attempt to “excuse” ourselves from acting like the
responsible, powerful, creative human beings we are.” –Debbie Ford
The other day I was having a texting convo with a girlfriend of mine who has been doing a lot of introspection and “work” on understanding her mind, just like me. Getting a little “woo woo” if you will :) And she brought up a situation I think we have all been in many times and one that tends to always leave us disappointed, resentful, pissed or at the very least annoyed–and that is, when we have an expectation that someone will do or be something for us and then they don’t or aren’t.
My friend asked me, “Sooo, I know I shouldn’t have expectations of others but what if I asked someone to do something and they don’t do it?”
What would you tell her if you were her coach? Doesn’t she have the right to be pissed? How would you feel?
I know what I would’ve said a year ago–and that is that they better do it, they promised me, they have an obligation to do it!! LOL sounds a little funny as I write it, but honestly, how many times do we have expectations for what another person should do or be and we only end up disappointed? This stuff is normal and happens all the time and of course your emotions about it are valid. BUT I challenge you to ask yourself–are you happier or more miserable when you are waiting on someone else to change or do something to make you happy? In other words, does waiting on other people to do something or be something different ultimately make you happy? Or, are you most happy when you are in your power, feeling accomplished and secure?
Here’s the thing–we know people will always do what they do, period. And that is literally the ONLY expectation we can have. Every other expectation, whether someone is able to fulfill it or not, is ultimately for us. Byron Katie says that every suggestion you have for your significant other is actually for you. And I have to say from personal experience I agree with that lol! Of course, emotions arise and feelings come out–normal stuff–but ultimately they are just being them. And how can that really be “wrong?”
Can you change someone? Maybe, but ultimately if they do not want to make that change too, then it will never work or be sustainable.
Here are some key examples in the Fat Loss Lifestyle. These are very common expectations for others or for a situation that leave many seeking body change disappointed, unhappy and miserable:
- No one is looking out for me
- My coach did not support me the way they should have
- Don’t my friends/family/spouse understand that I am dieting and how hard this is!?
- The judges were wrong! It was “political”
- Doesn’t anyone understand how busy I am and that I have NO time!?
- It’s so easy for her to do it, she doesn’t have a job/kids/responsibilities
There are many more, but you get the picture :) The important thing to remember with this stuff is that if you asked anyone, they would agree with you and you would be validated in your claims. Of course you would. But where does that leave you? Are you being related to? Absolutely, and that can certainly feel good. But are you really being empowered to change? No.
Jade and I were talking this morning about how with motivation, there is a fine line between portraying too much perfection (i.e. the pro who says that dieting is easy and says they never cheat or never admits experiencing any kind of struggle), which I don’t find motivating, but also the opposite is not inspiring either–the person who just throws their hands up, blames other people/situations and never assumes responsibility nor takes action to make themselves happier or more fulfilled.
In fact, I think most of you would agree that the most inspiring cases are of people who fall down and get back up, then fall down again, and get back up again, etc. (see our recent post on Resiliency) These are the stories that give hope and empower us to take control. They inspire us not to sit around waiting for someone or something to save us. Believe me, I have been there many times…disappointed with others, at a situation and many times mad at myself for putting my “stuff” on someone else and ultimately being left unfulfilled or upset. This stuff is normal and emotions are important clues for us to see where we might be able to look inside ourselves. However, once you feel the emotion, acknowledge it, let it lead you to a place of introspection and then try your best to release it and move forward. Admittedly easier said than done :)
Bottom line is, don’t wait for anyone else or anything else. YOU are what you have, right now…isn’t that great? Isn’t that awesome? The fact that the answer is literally yours for the taking, because it was never “out there” to begin with, it is right in front of you, in you. Choose to take action right NOW. Be in control right NOW. Decide to stop waiting right NOW.
I realize a lot of our posts lately have been more of the mind/body genre lately. I appreciate you guys putting up with my ramblings. These blogs are incredibly therapeutic for me, and I appreciate each and every one of you that read them. I seriously feel so lucky that we get to share, create and grow together and appreciative that anyone even reads them! And remember, if I ever come off as harsh or unsympathetic at times, it is mostly because I am using these words to keep myself motivated and on point. I certainly don’t have all the answers, and maybe I am just talking out of my ass, but I’ll go with it! :) Love you all! oxox Jill