In 2007, I started a Blogspot free blog, and I’d update it every 6 months with what competitions I was doing, and what magazines I was featured in, etc. So, you know, zero value to the reader. Lol. But every time I updated it, I’d start with “Hey guys, sorry I’ve been MIA!” And that’s hilarious, precisely because I don’t know who I thought was actually reading it. I’m sure exactly no one. Ha! Maybe my mom.
So, anyway … HEY GUYS! Sorry I’ve been MIA! Lol.
Since we last checked in, a lot has happened.
Short version: In 2015, I left my marriage of 10 years after finding out my husband had had an affair. You can read more about all that here. I moved to Los Angeles to start over.
I spent 2016-2018 hanging out with Danny-J Johnson, since the same thing happened in her marriage. We dated. We went out many, many nights (some not to be remembered). We traveled, we drank, we laughed more than we have in our lives, we cried, we dated some more AND we started ‘The Best Life’ podcast, which now has over 100 episodes on iTunes and everywhere else you can listen to podcasts.
It was the soiling of my wild oats I never did in my 20s, and I found a lot of freedom and insight (after many, many tears) in being alone and single for the first time since I was 18.
Last year, I met my current boyfriend, Keith, an LA native and firefighter, and we now live together in Manhattan Beach with my puppy, Pip.
I do relationships differently now. Not bitter or scared. But more curated and less enmeshed.
I’m “all in” with Keith but I have a life outside of him, too–something I really didn’t have in my marriage. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the kind of things I need/want in a romantic partnership, and I have a serious relationship to honesty now, that I didn’t have before.
A Word on Rejection…
Recently we interviewed best-selling author of ‘Second Firsts’ and grief and loss expert Christina Rasmussen on the podcast. She mentioned something called “invisible losses”–things like infidelity, loss of worthiness, loss of financial security or identity, or loss of a future. Things that impact our self-esteem or self-worth, but are less tangible.
Often these losses are both the most shameful, and also the ones we feel the most reluctant to bring up to people, because compared to the “big things” like death, job loss, miscarriage, etc., they feel insignificant, like, “just get over it already.”
Later on after the interview, Danny-J and I were chatting about rejection, and I kind of jokingly said, “Well, I actually haven’t really been rejected all that much,” talking about my dating life, when it dawned on me that, uh …
MY HUSAND’S AFFAIR WAS THE BIGGEST REJECTION OF ALL.
But because it was so big and impactful, it was so hard to quantify. And to Christina’s point, these kinds of losses have reverberating impact that often we can’t see or feel as acutely, but they are important to acknowledge and grieve all the same.
I don’t believe any of us get out of this life without experiencing some kind of rejection, whether it’s not being picked on the playground as a kid, or having a friend disassociate with you, or even unfollow you on social media (ha!), or not getting asked on a second date, or something as huge as infidelity or betrayal.
Rejection, no matter what the type, is painful.
BUT, I do believe as humans, we have the unique ability to be resilient, to pivot, and to use these experiences to fortify our self-worth and self-knowledge. I know myself a thousand times better now as a result of what I endured in my marriage. And chances are, if you’ve been through something tough in your life, and came out on the other side, you know yourself better too.
Best-selling author Nassim Taleb calls this becoming “anti-fragile.” Meaning, the hard times have utility. Not only can we bounce back, but we can become even better.
And how silly to think that everything is going to be smooth sailing all the time! Ha! How silly is it to think that every person you go on a date with is going to fall in love with you. How silly is it to think that every time you launch a product or program online that you’re going to kill it. How silly is it to believe that starting a new career or business from scratch is going to easy.
Rejection is inevitable if you are doing anything at all in your life.
And the way I think we take the sting out of it is … getting rejected more.
Yes, the goal is actually rejection.
When you stick your neck out, you’re going to feel vulnerable. But the more “no’s” you can rack up, the less personally you take them. And you can start to take the emotion out of it, and see it as “not a fit,” versus catastrophizing things into, “I suck. I shouldn’t be doing this. No one wants me.” etc.
The latter takes you out of your power, it’s defeating. The former helps us to see that things are just clinical. Take dating. You’re not going to be right for every one, and not everyone is going to be right for you. This is a matching thing, a “fit” thing. Not a right/wrong, good/bad thing.
In Neil Strauss’ book, ‘The Game’ all about pickup artistry, the goal was to get rejected, so that you could start to get over your fear of it. Go to a bar and approach 100 prospects, rack up a bunch of no’s and be less attached as a result.
The same can be said for online business: put your creations out there for consumption, whether that’s a blog (like this, hi, this is vulnerable), a social media post, a video of yourself doing an exercise, or a product/program you spent weeks creating. AND THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
People will read or blog, or they won’t.
People will judge your video, or they won’t.
People will buy your program, or they won’t.
All you have control over is the product/content and how to sell it. The rest is up to the market. And just because something doesn’t crush or sell like hotcakes overnight, doesn’t mean YOU suck and shouldn’t be doing this. It just means, you have a marketing problem, or you need to learn how to build the value better, or do some more market research to find out what people really need.
Rejection doesn’t have to feel so personal. It can be clinical.
Your vulnerability is where your potential for resiliency lies.
Despite my marriage not working out, I never regretted giving myself fully over heart and soul, even though I got crushed.
I’d rather be in the game playing than standing on the sidelines never getting a chance to be tested.
Listen to our entire podcast on REJECTION right here. Danny-J and I both give a lot of examples and insights. And if you love the episode, we’d be honored if you’d share on social media (@jillfit or @thebestlifepodcast) and give us a rating on iTunes.
So hello, I’m back. Thank you for being here. And hey, if you don’t love this blog, I’m fine with it ;)
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